| things on my mind right now.... |
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| 09:47pm 14/05/2009 |
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1.) when i text you i miss you while we're on a break text me back something.
2.) when i'm drunk i like to watch gwen stefani music videos, no seriously, they're amazing. it's a pity they never made a video for yummy.
3.) i should finish editing my book. it's the only thing i've ever finished.
4.) why do i run when i'm in love?
5.) i've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor it's your fault you didn;t shut the refridgerator door, maybe that's the reason i've been acting so cold.
6.) sigh. i miss paul. |
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| 10:43am 07/04/2009 |
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it seems that no matter how bad things get with paul and me we always find a way of getting past them. i don't know what i would do without him, we fight, we argue, we cry, but in the end he's pretty much the only thing i've ever wanted like this. we've had our ups and downs (the month we broke up for one) but in the end we always find a way back into each other's arms.
its been the best year. and post beaux arts ball make up sex has been amazing. |
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| 09:47pm 18/02/2009 |
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still dying. this day 7 of plague. i'm on killer antibiotics and i am making myself eat, even though i never want to.
today i was at work and felt like i was about to die. i was sick i was sad. i've been thinking too much about paul and me. it just bogs me down. i want to just go with things and let things happen but at the same time i don't know if i can.....beating a dead horse.
anyway. i was folding shirts, like i do at work, when the phone rings. i walk slowly to the cashwrap, it takes me about three rings and answer.
me: hello, thanks for calling ------, this is j.
-pause-
(i wait)
boy1: uh...yeah i have friend who wants to ask you a question about a shirt.
me: ok (sarcasm/indifference)
-pause-
girl1: hello?
me: hello?
girl1: how are you.
me: i'm fine, how are you?
girl1: i charge a dollar a minute.
me: only a dollar? that's not much
-pause, obviously shocked i said something back-
girl1: huh?
me: i mean, seriously my mom charges at least five.
girl1: what?
me: well i mean you mom charges at least five.
girl1: my mom?
me: well maybe my mom and you mom do it together, you like for like fun.
girl1: maybe.
me: maybe? you don't know? don't you know what your mom's doing? does your mom know what you're doing little girl
boy2 (background): hi, i'm from corporate and you're fired
me: you're not from corporate. you're two.
boys2: what the fuck you cunt! you fag.
me: yeah i'm on of those two.
-hangs up-
i chuckle and my associate hallie comes over and i tell her what just happened and she is dying laughing. then the phone rings again.
me: hello.thanks for calling -------, this is j.
boy2: i got something to say to you fag.
me: yes sir, what can i do for you?
boy2: i don't appreciate what you say about me just then.
me: what? that you're two?
boy2: yeah!
me: oh how old are you six? aaawww! are you wearing your big boy overalls? did you help grampy on the farm on the tractor today! you're such a big boy!
boy2: i'm not fucking 6. i'm 12.
me: ooh! twelve how big you've gotten! so grown up! almost old enough sit in the front seat! what a big big boy you are!
boy2: i'm gonna call someone on you!
me: go ahead. sir.
-hangs up-
hallie and i are cracking up. the phone rings a third time hallie picks it up.
hallie: hello, thanks for calling ------.
girl2: you're coworker is a douchebag.
hallie: oh yeah. he is! a big douche. its cause he's gay. we all hate him. you know gay people, they burn in hell!
girl2: are you a bitch?
hallie: no. i'm a pretty nice person.
girl2: you sound like a bitch to me.
hallie: did you have a question about a t-shirt?
at this hallie and i both lost is and started laughing uncontrollably.
girl2: ah haha. they're giggling.
hallie: yeah we're both giggling, a lot.
girl2: i hate this fucking business.
hallie: please don't call my business and tell me things like that. it's not very polite.
girl2: it's not your fucking business.
hallie: yes, yes it is my fucking business. this is where i work.
girl2: i'm gonna call everyone and get you all fired!
hallie: ok ma'am. you have a nice night. bye.
we laugh more and hope they call back! and they do one final time.
me: hello, thanks for calling -----, this is j.
girl1: yes i was just talking to a girl who's a bitch and i just want to make sure both of you know i's reported you.
me: oh awesome. did you tell you're cousin boyfriend on us? i'm sure elmer will be able to do a lot. thanks!
and i hung up. they did not call back.
i was not in the mood to put up with some fucking twelve year olds who were trying to have a go at me. fuck you bitches. |
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| "..they'd drunk more champagne than they had meant to. but champagne was not to be resisted." -luxe |
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| 03:53pm 11/02/2009 |
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mood: active music: philip glass - morning passages (score from the hours)
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the end of winter and beginning of spring always bring out the best in me. its this time of year when i exercise most, eat healthiest, and in an all around good mood. these last couple weeks of february into the beginning of april are weeks brimming with optimism. good things happen when the world comes back alive.
i've had a surprisingly refreshing morning. i lounged in bed most of the morning. i woke to the sound of air rushing around the house in cynthiana. i could hear the old house moan and trees creak. i lay there on my back looking at the ceiling for a few minutes, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes thinking about what i needed to do later and instead of rising and doin anything i picked up a book i had brought and cracked it oped. i read for a couple hours and then rose. i always forget how much i love reading books that i don't have to think about. its nice sometimes to just lose yourself in mindless garbage.
the book in question is a trashy novel (the first in a series) titled "the luxe." it essentially is gossip girl set in victorian new york. the book is terribley predictable and after the prologue and first two chapters i knew what lay ahead for the next 400 pages. but even though the plot is predictable and characters not exactly intriguing i still feel the need to finish it and purchase the next book in the series. its all parties and champagne and girls in big dresses and the threat of scandal.
also today around one my phone buzzed signaling a new message and it was from paul. "john s. i am thinking about you." and that made my heart pound a little.
catch 22. sigh.
i think i'll go for a jog. i'm meeting paul around seven for dinner and then nathan around 9.30ish for a movie, maybe i'll drag kellie s. along for fun.
i can't believe i'm in such a good mood. |
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| i folded three hundred and twenty seven pairs of skinny jeans today and i am not a happy camper. |
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| 09:04pm 10/02/2009 |
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mood: reflective music: kate bush - mrs. bartolozzi
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it's a little known fact that i'm really thin skinned. this is due in large part to my absolutel mastery of the art of indifference. whenever someone says or does something to me that hurts my feelings my instinctive reaction is to pretend i don't care. i just shrug it off and move on to something new. the reality of it is that this goes on file in my head and as soon as i'm alone or as soon as it gets quiet i start to slowly freak out about it. i don't go all horror movie and sob or shake or have panic attacks but i get quick of breath and upset. i usually never address these people when they say things to me. i try to not treat them any different. i try to keep moving at a pace that lets me just get over it. but deep down whenever i see these people who have hurt me i clammer for their approval and attention. which is ridiculous because normal people would do the opposite.
( Read more... )
i have no idea why i just went on that crazy rant.
i woke today, slightly hung over from last night and went into work where i performed menial tasks and didn't utilize anything i have ever learned in college or high school and sighed my way through what seemed like a thousand hours.
i'm glad its over. i'm going home to cynthiana tonight and probably won't be back until tomorrow evening, and thats only if i can secure a dinner date with paul h. otherwise i will return tomorrow night for a movie with a friend.
valentine's day is creeping up on me and i am not happy about it. i refuse to be derailed by this sorry excuse for a holiday. v-day is useless to me. |
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| "its wso fitted it looks like a fucking corset" - allen s. on his military style jacket. |
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| 02:02am 10/02/2009 |
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mood:  content music: none, though i am thinking of many a karaoke songs.
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when i woke for work this morning the last thing on my mind was work. i had a terrible dream involving me getting almost fired from work then thrown from a cruise ship. but the saving factor was that when i was thrown i was also thrown with friends and s couple vats (roman style circa b.c.) of wine.
work was tedious and i had to reset the denim wall i set on saturday because i was told (wrongly) to set it backwards. no worries though because it took me most of the day to size and reset it so i had (at least) something to do and take up the time. when i got off work i met paul for a light dinner. i love seeing that boy. i know i go back and forth with him but when i am with him i feel like everything in the world is properly lined up and only good things can happen. what else can i say other than i love him.
which makes my next statement rather odd. i finally gave travis t. my number. i figured that today was as good as any. i have been meaning for weeks now to ask him for his so i just gave him mine. he already knows i have a crush on him so if he even remotely feels the same he now has room to let me know. what is the worst that could come of it? he might not ever call/text me? oooh so he is not interested. why waste my time? right?
i'm drunk and am going to bed.
on a side note i sang twice tonight. first "like a virgin" which i dedicated to will b. because he asked me to. i said "this is dedicated to will b(last name). he hears it at least once a night."
the second song kellie s. an i sang was a whole new world, our staple.
<3's kids. have a nice night.
p.s. i saw tiny tiny penis boy. his penis is miniscule. it makes me laugh when he flirts with me....... |
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| "if i slit my throat would you pay attention to me?" - jane reynolds in divorce his |
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| 11:09pm 08/02/2009 |
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mood: weary. music: movie - divorce his/divorce hers
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well i've had a great weekend. i went out, alot, which is about on par for normal for me but i spent only a third of what i would normally spend so i am happy with myself. i'm trying to slow down. for two reasons:
one being the fact that i hate getting trashed all the time. i mean its fun when things are happening but i get tired of going out to the same places and doing the same things in some sort of sad expensive cycle. i want new things and experiences but really its too cold to do anything else at the moment. maybe i'm just not creative enough.
two being i want to save money. i have no savings and the older i get the more this freaks me out. i'm finally almost completely out of debt and i want to be able to get a car this summer and go back to school this fall so i really need to have my finances in order.
last night i went out with jen k. and saray t. and her roommate from college amber. we all went to the gay bar and met up with paul and his friend kathy. we were barely there when sarah t. and amber were escorted out of the place for being underage, which is weird because i have never heard of that at the gay bar. i mean seriously. i'm been going there for over three years and now (a few times when i was underage) and have snuck in underage friends tons. i was sad she had to leave cause i rarely get to see her but she found other fun things to do.
the drag show was actually really good as opposed to some nights when its a big ole snoozefest. jenna did a great mariah carey medley that consisted solely of fantasy and always be my baby. hunter did some nsync which was a big hit with the lezzies.
kellie came out with her sisters stephanie and jessica and they brought their significant others. they're great fun and lots of dancing was had by all.
i ran into travis t., whom i have a giant secret (well not so secret now) crush on. i went up to him and we chatted for a bit hugged and then this:
me: i must confess i have a huge crush on you.
him: aw.
me: you're just so cute.
him: well you're very attractive yourself
then we chatted a bit more hugged and parted. i'm so torn about what to do as far as my boy drama is concerned. paul and i are in a good place, not where i want us to be, but its good. i have from him all he can offer right now, which i sadly feel is almost not enough. i love him and i really am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work but i can't help that i am ready to just find that one person and settle down. all my friends are getting married and settling down. i want that. i want to come home and find someone here. i want to wake up to the same person every morning and do all that shitty annoying stupid shit serious couples do. i'm not saying i want to be married but i want something that i know will lead to something more that in turn might turn into even something more. and with paul i just ask myself sometimes "how much longer can this last before i lose it again?"
ugh but then again i'm just beating a dead horse.
today i spent with paul. we got up and met his sister and kathy for brunch then went and got pedicures together and did some window shopping. after that we lounged around in bed and watched tv. we just wasted the whole day and made out fooled around. it was perfect. i was completely content and happy. i want today everyday, which i knoe i cannot have.
this week i've got a full beginning of the week and then empty end. i have my very first therapy appointment tomorrow, which may or may not be a good thing. i've never been before but feel like with so much going on in my life it would be nice to just have someone to talk to who isn't "in" on everything. eh. we'll see.
tuesday i'm meeting nathan p. for a movie (platonic). i think we're going to see he's just not that into you, which i am so excited to see. i love love love gennifer goodwin.
i'm going to try and write in here everyday. nothing exciting i'm sure but something to pass the time and document my goings on. i forget sometimes, what with all the partying. |
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| 10:20am 05/01/2009 |
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music: madonna - she's not me
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i had no idea it had been so long since i posted. i knew for sure that i hadn't posted since june but since january.
i had a very eventful year. i won't go into details.
but this year is going to be the best year yet. i will be turning 25. isn't that like a magic number? its a nice number and i think i will wear it well.
i am determined. |
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| 02:52am 15/02/2008 |
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music: ashlee simpson - outta my head
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dear tyler,
three years sine our only valentine's day together. i would ike to say i'm sorry, first of all. now i would like to say got o hell and i hope you are miserable. no. i hope you are happy. but whatever.
-john
sometimes i miss him because he was the only asshole who could put up with my shit. how bizarre of me.
evan i also hope you die.
in other news i rekindled my love of moulin rouge.
i also got very drunk very alone on valentine's day. fuck this holiday. |
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| 01:24am 04/02/2008 |
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i wish i could talk about my awesome weekend. but well it was just blah. friday was awesome kellie and katie and i had the most fun the three of us have had in months.
i spent all weekend looking for someone to make out with.
no luck.
x amount of days to another valentines day with my right hand. its the only boy who really likes me. |
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| 11:06pm 31/01/2008 |
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i need to make out with a stranger pronto.
my life has become boring. there is no excitement. work work work.
i do not like work. i like making out. |
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| 05:25pm 30/01/2008 |
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i slept until 3;30 in the afternoon today. while this seems like a fantastical thing to do it was in fact horrible and now i know i will not be able to get to sleep until at least 7 tomorrow morning.
an excerpt:
“His library contained over 8,000 volumes, can you imagine that?” the boy said as he leaned in towards Russel. Jonah was growing increasingly more uncomfortable and angry. He was covered in mud and grasses.
“Do you think he had any erotica in there?” Jonah asked moving towards Russel and the man. The man was rubbing at the silk between his slashes in his sleeves. Maybe he was showing off his the expensive textiles.
“Excuse me?” the man said. He seemed a little surprised or shocked, or maybe he was disgusted.
“Oh come on. Men can love sex books just as much as any piece of intellectual bullshit. Do you think he had any dirty books in there or do you think it was purely business?” Jonah said. He was brash. He had nothing left to lose. Russel wasn’t even looking at him, but the man was. He was looking into Jonah’s eyes and suddenly the surprise and shock melted into a half grin. This was enticing.
“I don’t think Sraffa had any erotica. I’ve been to Trinity College and I’ve seen samples from his library. He was all business,” he said coyly.
“That’s sad. I have, what I consider to be a pretty decent library, though not 8,000 volumes it's not bad, and I do have erotica in mine. It’s hidden between things like The Satanic Verses and The Awakening,” Jonah said with a smile.
“I would consider The Awakening to be erotica, personally,” the man said. |
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| 03:00am 30/01/2008 |
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if you don't want to be friends you shouldn't have told me that you did. its as simple as that. i cannot handle this shit.
i wish i could just kick your ass and get it over with.
end of mutherfuckin story. |
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| 11:02am 23/01/2008 |
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music: roisin murphy - let me know.
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you think i'd have something better to do with my time than obsess over something so trivial as 28 days.
they weren't even that great.
i should drink more and think less, right?
probably not.
i'm going to shower and go to work and take a thousand caffeine pills, that will make me feel better. |
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| 01:43am 17/01/2008 |
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music: imogean heap - hide and seek.
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ihad a dream last night that evan called me while i was at work (at the rave in a basement) and left me imogean heap's "hide and seek" on my voicemail. i cried in the dream. i heard him say something. i cried and then i went to work.
i hope he dies. |
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| 01:16am 16/01/2008 |
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music: pj harvey - missed
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"The chief connotations of bleak are coldness and exposure to the elements. Bare means without covering; barren means incapable of producing. Bleak may combine the meanings of the two; in the northern climate a rock, island, moor, prairie, or mountainside, which is bare, blank, desolate, exposed, unsheltered, waste, or wild is sure to be cold and bleak; but in the tropics this would not be true; the sahara is a desolate waste of sand, unsheltered from the burning sun and swept by fierce winds, but it is not bleak; bleak is also applied to seasons, winds, etc., which are characterized by chill, chilling, chilly, cold, cutting, piercing, stormy, windy."
-bleak as defined by:
Funk & Wagnalls Standard Handbook of Synonyms Antonyms & Prepositions
by
James C. Fernald
1947 edition
when i am sad i look up words in this book, at random. |
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| 10:29pm 14/01/2008 |
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music: cranberries - i still do...
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i want this to work out more than anything in the world.
i'm trying really hard and praying harder, i hardly ever pray so i know i want this. |
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| 11:49pm 13/01/2008 |
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i miss you. immensely. |
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| 06:41pm 10/01/2008 |
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music: girls aloud - black jacks
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i love the rain for making it nice when i am in bed. i love the sound of rain. and i love the sound of leaves rustling. i love it.
but i hate the rain when it makes walking impossible, especially walking in suede boots. boo.
i downloaded the new girls aloud album, finally and i downloaded some of the new roisin murphy album. i am obsessed with "let me know" since it is pretty much the story of my desperate life.
i want, so desperately, for something new and amazing to happen now. NOW. i am bored to death with everything. i should drink more, again. this sobriety i've been falsely parading is ridiculous and boring.
off to a date. |
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